My Heart… is a Balloon!

I can’t seem to find my words; it looks like they have run away from me,
I squint, peer and then blink again: Where are they? I still can’t see,
Oh how tight the chest feels when no words are there to set it free!

My heart is a balloon, a red big inflated balloon,
Trapped in this cold and hollow cocoon.
One more poke and I swear it will go boom!

My soul is tree, a young aging autumn tree,
I ignore it and try to just let it be,
Yet it keeps taunting me, haunting me!

My burdens are heavy, I can’t lift them aside,
I can’t leave them behind and hide,
Powerless again as they choose to collide!

Misunderstood, misread and misconceived…
Wrongly accused and unfairly perceived…

Always and yet never the same:

The story of my wounded heart.

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Skimpy Supplies of Optimism

Photo By: Outlived

Photo By: Outlived

“What is important is not what happens to us, but how we respond to what happens to us.” Jean-Paul Sartre

I have come to acknowledge the fact that life is more complicated than we’d like to believe it is. To take this realization to the next level, I even created my own little theory about that.

You see, although human beings tend to run on a certain supply of optimism or pessimism, that supply remains to be never solely determined by its beholder and here is where the situation becomes tricky!

We always try to rationalize the negatives which happens around us, or to us, in order to try and sustain the levels of optimism that we have. Just like a car running on fuel, our optimism is refueled at certain moments throughout the day, the week, the month or the year and from there on, conserving that level is our duty, whether we are responsible for its possible depletion or not.

As an ex-pessimist to the bone, I can totally understand how pessimists justify their pessimism, especially when relating it to my theory. In their own minds, waiting for the optimism refueling process to occur could be unnerving, even more so devastating, they rather not wait for it to begin with. Moreover, and due to the abundant levels of pessimism and negative occurrences, it seems more rational to them to choose to shy away from optimism and embrace its opposite.

One might wonder why I am trying to dissect this topic and the wondering may become more intense if one realized how early in the morning it is now. Well one, wonder no more! I have recently switched sides going from a semi professional pessimist to a part time happy jolly optimist and now all I do is look for sources of optimism to refuel from! With that said, you can probably tell how hard the transformation was and yet how easy it could be to relapse back to the original state.

What seems to be the most interesting part for me when I sit and ponder about all of this is the fact that optimism tends to be a great magnet for negatives; so the harder you try to be on the positive side, the more negatives you will attract. Furthermore, the events surrounding an optimist are more liable to a wider variety of interpretations, making it harder to “see” the truth behind them consequently causing a tired mind and an exhausted emotional state.

I rest my case!

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Blinded by Utter Darkness

Photo By: Outlived

Photo By: Outlived

Never thought that darkness could be blinding,
Or that its chains could be so damn binding!

Never imagined I could feel this way once more,
Another shattered window & one more broken door.

I try to convince myself that I’m asleep,
Submerged in a nightmare ever so deep.

I tell myself that I am majorly inebriated,
My hallucinations are flowing unabated!

But it is all real and I feel its tow,
Hands tied while I watch my pain grow.

Tears as cheap as sand,
An empty shivering hand,
And another smile deprived day…

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Unforeseen Disillusionment

Photo By: Outlived

Photo By: Outlived

The idea of living life on its margins has always petrified her; why be in this life if you are just another brick in another wall or a bleak passerby watching from afar? What’s the value of life if you don’t go out there and fight for what you want and try to make some kind of difference in the world?

Yet this morning, while she struggled to open her swollen eyes, she realized, for the first time in what seemed to be an eternity, the value of being marginalized and wished for it. She wished she would not be an “active” member of existence; maybe just a grand beautiful tree, or a long way to nowhere, would have sufficed.

You see, she finally was able to see what it meant to be suddenly disappointed by the world outside after keeping her guards up for too long and then just letting them down, better yet: obliterating them! The element of surprise should not be undervalued at this point since nothing is harder than being negatively surprised, especially when one thinks he/she knows better: “been there, done that”, have you now?

And while her fragile heart is ripped into a million directions as she drowns in the flood of memories and as words that were spoken pummel her enervated mind left and right, she feels her soul crumble like the crust of an old piece apple of apple pie, neglected & forgotten.

On any other day like this, she would have loved nothing more than to assume the fetal position and slowly waste away as she witnesses her buried sorrow surface again into existence. She would have even enjoyed playing with the idea of her end of days and wish for it to be sooner than later.

And she finds herself, once again, forced to decide: to be or not to be?

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Beautiful Dawn…

Photo By: Outlived

Photo By: Outlived

I woke up to find an enrapturing, colorful & beautiful dawn waiting to invigorate my sleepy eyes and I felt complete and utter bliss…

And though I do realize that this dawn was not made especially for me and that hundreds of people might have witnessed it as well, it still feels like it is mine to cherish and savor.

And now, as the sun gradually shines and touches the trees, mountains and rooftops, I feel taken aback and bemused; as if there is someone that I am missing in this moment, something that I need to be doing & somewhere else that I must be. This moment is yet to be perfected but I find myself clueless as to how to achieve that perfection.

And as I take one more look at the serene streets and the evocative shades the sunrise is casting, I am reminded of the good old days when I had to wake up early to go to school, and how that felt like an annoying chore and I find myself wishing I would have been able to feel what I feel now back then!

Good morning world 🙂

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Angry at Myself…

I have often questioned the smiles that sprung in my way,
Carefully waited to see the joker card they’ll pull and play!

I have often thought ill of that faint light at the end of the tunnel,
Eagerly looked for that train heading towards me to burst my bubble!

I have been up and down the road of hope so many times before,
I have broken down windows and knocked on each and every door.

And now, I find myself angry at me for not believing and believing too,
Furious that I have wasted time looking for something I never really knew…

How could I have buried my head so deep underneath the sand?
How did I ignore the soothing whispers & every helping hand?

But anger is futile and I do realize this now,
I know I will make it through, somehow…

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Cruising Around My Mind

Photo By: Outlived
Photo By: Outlived

I’ve been cruising around my jaded mind,
Trying to drop off the past somewhere behind.

I’ve been dancing with my countless fears,
Playing hide and seek with those damned tears.

I’ve been singing love songs to no one,
Hearing the words fade away till they’re gone.

I’ve been writing inexhaustible story lines,
Sketching scenes, drafting images & sculpting signs.

I’ve been looking for motives & reasons,
Watching days pass by & contemplating the seasons.

I’ve been preoccupied, absorbed & distracted,
Divided, added, multiplied and then again subtracted.

And now I am just waiting…

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