I need to write. I don’t know what exactly but I need to write and I feel it. I feel my words and thoughts hovering around my head at the speed of light and making it harder for me to focus or even breathe. I just know I have this terrible itch that only writing can scratch.
But what should I write about? That is the main question. I mean given that this is my third trial after the two first ones failed miserably, I really don’t know what to write about. I have a million things I have to say – no, actually – I NEED to say but my mind is a mess and I find myself unable to detangle its knots or decipher its new crazed language that makes no sense to me.
In a way, I blame my mind for everything, and I mean everything! It seems to me that I have failed to tame it, raise it or mold it after all those years. It plays tricks of me, deceives me, manipulates me and disillusions me more often than not. Sometimes I think it is just overly optimistic despite my efforts to teach it all about pessimism and its benefits. At others, I could swear that it got stuck in time at some point and refuses to grow up to match my age, experiences and disappointments.
For a long time, I thought I had lost it! I thought that insanity had taken over me and that my mind was swallowed up by insanity’s games and tricks. But I do realize now that it is still there, probably incapable of doing what I need it to do: THINK STRAIGHT.
I often find myself trying to deliberately incapacitate my mind but it seems that it has a severely high tolerance to any and every means I try to subdue it with!
The mind: a powerful and destructive tool indeed, especially when it is out of your control and has a super confused mind of its own! What a mess!
Enough with the words and scribbles for one day.
Catch you all soon.