The idea of living life on its margins has always petrified her; why be in this life if you are just another brick in another wall or a bleak passerby watching from afar? What’s the value of life if you don’t go out there and fight for what you want and try to make some kind of difference in the world?
Yet this morning, while she struggled to open her swollen eyes, she realized, for the first time in what seemed to be an eternity, the value of being marginalized and wished for it. She wished she would not be an “active” member of existence; maybe just a grand beautiful tree, or a long way to nowhere, would have sufficed.
You see, she finally was able to see what it meant to be suddenly disappointed by the world outside after keeping her guards up for too long and then just
letting them down, better yet: obliterating them! The element of surprise should not be undervalued at this point since nothing is harder than being negatively surprised, especially when one thinks he/she knows better: “been there, done that”, have you now?
And while her fragile heart is ripped into a million directions as she drowns in the flood of memories and as words that were spoken pummel her enervated mind left and right, she feels her soul crumble like the crust of an old piece apple of apple pie, neglected & forgotten.
On any other day like this, she would have loved nothing more than to assume the fetal position and slowly waste away as she witnesses her buried sorrow surface again into existence. She would have even enjoyed playing with the idea of her end of days and wish for it to be sooner than later.
And she finds herself, once again, forced to decide: to be or not to be?