I hate titles; every time I need to come up with a title for one of my new posts, it feels like I am suffocating – mainly I think it is due to my claustrophobic tendencies and the fact that titles can be a little too constricting and restricting for what is going on in my head at the moment, or at any given moment to be more precise.
However, and since what’s occupying my head is the main reason I literally got out of bed, “Out of Bed” seemed to be the most natural title of this semi aimless post!
In a nutshell, everything seems so confusing lately; everything who I am and who I want to / need to be seems to be compromised by the doubts within me and the world outside of me.
Today, for example, I was shocked to find that there was a river of tears hiding behind my eyes, waiting to be unleashed, for no specific reason, just because…
In retrospective, I think part of it is that I really don’t know whom to talk to anymore and what to talk to whom about what!
I have an abundance of thoughts, dreams, ideas and questions and no one to share them with, and it’s not because I don’t have people in my life, it’s just because, just as a friend had put it earlier, “no one would really understand”, so you bite the bullet’s pain and you move on, no questions asked.
I wish I could do that and be that way, oh what a world would my world be! But I can’t, because it’s not who I am, and it can never really be.
Around me, I see empty faces, heading no where, hoping for nothing, yet needing plenty. The world seems to be falling apart and no one really cares! Deaths, pain, anger and never ending fights for freedom, rights and even life, and no one wants to see. We have become so absorbed in ourselves that we don’t see how our actions affect those close to us, and those we have never even met: “to each his own”, what a sad, sad way to live and be.
Currently, I feel loaded; and secretly, I am wishing for this load to be carried off my back, if just for a few hours, cause my shoulders can’t take the load much longer.
It seems to me as if the world has grown numb and all I can do is stand and look at it; it has been numbed beyond repair. And as for my feelings, my doubts, my pains and my memories which “pop up” like ads on your browser, I am waiting until they grow numb as well, yet the waiting period seems to be extending every now and then!
I am reminded now by numerous stories of people who stood waiting for a train that never came and I see myself standing there, behind them, pointing and laughing at their aimless wait though I am waiting for the same damn train and I do know it will never come; yet I keep waiting!
Some time, a long time ago, I heard someone say something about hope and sanity and how they are kind of interrelated: once hope is out the door, sanity will follow, or is it the other way round? And who needs to be sane in a world pouring with fools, driving their fancy cars and thinking of the next place to go clubbing when the world is falling to pieces around them and all they could do is go on living their mundane lives!
Am I bitter? I guess you could go ahead and accuse me of that, I don’t mind really; I have been accused of worse! But this is not the question that really counts, the question is: Should I be? Oh well, I guess tons of pages would not be enough to explain my answer to that question and by then you’d be bored and you would have already bounced of my blog and into the world wide web, looking for something more merry… After all, it is “merry” sells!