As a person who NEVER got ANYTHING on a silver plate, I should have known better than to expect things to be easy and for problems to, eventually, solve themselves with time!
I was wrong, and I won’t be ashamed of admitting my mistakes.
I won’t blame where I am now on anyone but myself, although, GOD ONLY KNOWS, the elements and factors that lead me to the place I am right now.
I guess if I want to analyze it all, it all comes down to one thing and one thing only: my inexhaustible desire/need to BELONG to someone, something, anything!
Given the fact that I am well aware of my life’s overall blunders, I now can see the size of the mistakes I have done in just in order to feel normal for once. And yet sadly, I never did.
Now that I am here, in a place where I feel trapped, alone and so insecure, I figure that I need to realize the next step and take it with careful considerations so at least when I fall this time, I can fall better.
The Hard Way…
This will not be easy since I will be utterly and completely honest about how I feel towards everyone and everything in my life because I need to set myself free from all the guilt, pain and fear that I find myself wrapped in every single day for the last many years…
However, the hard way has been the way for me. So here it goes:
Oh how I have longed to have “real” friends for as long as I can remember. At times, I wanted friends to take care of me and at others, I wanted friends that I could take care of. Regardless of the reasons for this desire, I stand here and I look around me and at the “friends” that I have in my life, and I find that I have never been there for those whom I wanted to be there for (as a result of my sulking in my own crap) and the friends that were supposed to have been there for me abandoned me when I needed them the most.
But I don’t blame them, I blame myself cause I should have known better, I should have expected less and I should have, at some times, been more.
However, now that I am where I am, I finally get it: I have been blessed with good friends at my most darkest times and their memories will live with me for as long as I will live. Yet, it ends there.
I promise myself in front of all of you that I will not run after friendships any longer, even if it means I will end up alone. Alone without friends is better than being with friends who only make you feel miserable, who only want you when you are happy or friends who want to control your life.
God only knows the number of days and nights that I have spent trying to be a good sister and daughter (even if it was my own definition of good).
Every day, I walk around with the burden of guilt towards those I want to be “perfect” for and yet can never ever be.
Don’t get me wrong, I understand that I am not even close to being anything anyone wants me to be simply because I can’t. But I really tried so hard. And I failed.
So I apologize.
And I also extend my apologies to include the fact that I will stop trying to be someone who I am not and for all the mistakes that I will keep doing until I eventually learn to do things otherwise, or until I die.
I will not allow the guilt of me not being there for those who push me away eat me up from inside any longer, even though I love them so much. I need to focus on me because the damage has gotten too far!
My story with love is the reason that I started writing many many years ago.
I must admit, love was kind to me at times and yet it kicked me in the face so many times that sometimes, when I look at the mirror, I don’t recognize myself from the swelling!
If I sit alone with my thoughts for more than 5 minutes, the video of my failed love relationships plays over and over in my head. I dwell and dwell and yet never have I been able to figure out why is my luck in love this way. And is it my luck to begin with? Or the messed up choices that I make?
Regardless, today, I don’t care about the reasons why Mr. X left me or Mr. Y cheated on me, or why my feelings to Mr. Z changes. That is besides the point simply because it happened and it ended and I have a long way to go already without the weight of ifs, whys and others holding me down.
Maybe I didn’t deserve it, maybe I did.
Maybe I was the one, maybe I wasn’t.
No one will be able to ever tell the difference. So, why should I even try? Why should I feel that I am not good enough? Or someone else is not good enough for me? Does it really make it any better? Never.
Whether I have given up on love with all its accompanying happiness and grief is still to be determined.
As for now, I would like to, for once, learn to love myself for the things I have worked so hard and so long to construct within me. Because that it what matters at the end; when I am in bed, sleepless, thoughtful and trembling with heart ache, that is the only thing that matters: who I am (and never who I was/am/will be for someone who might pick up and leave any time and for whatever reason it maybe).
Wow… It feels so good to let it all out. I hope this feeling lasts. And I will keep writing whenever the world seems to deaf to hear me. And I will keep looking for answers because there is no use of being alive otherwise.
I just wish that one day, I can find the peace I have been looking for…