My New Year, in Ruins…

Just yesterday evening, I remember having a very short yet sincere conversation with myself about the coming year and how people, all around the world, celebrate the “special” new year’s eve through multiple ways, various rituals and different mentalities.

I also remember telling myself, in efforts to lessen the value of this day to me:

Every year has been worse than the one before, so why celebrate? Why not just sit at home, light little miserable candles, put off the lights, shut the doors and close the windows, put on some sad music and cry for the year to come for it will definitely be yet another year filled with pain, anger, disappointment and every other negative feeling possible?!

Don’t judge me yet, I know it sounds pitiful, I really do… But why smile for a year that has already decided to frown back at me?

Well, the ironic thing is, I had prepared for new year’s eve! I bought a new short black dress which covers my thin, ill-looking figure. I went to the salon and colored my nails in a bold and daring color to proof to myself that things can change. I also booked an appointment at the salon which I did go to after I was forced to cancel all the plans I was looking forward to!

So there I am, at the salon, and I’m figuring things out. At the sink, while getting my hair treatment, it all just hit me: my life is a joke! The things I believe in are fake and those whom I trusted for so long have been deceiving me all along; they never really cared and all their words were lies and their actions, simple games that my naive mind did not catch on to sooner!

Right there, at the sank, in the middle of tens of heads waiting to be showered and blow-dried, and amongst around 8 hairstylists and 5 or more helpers, at that sink, while the music was blasting: my pain took the form of warm wet tears that jumped out of my eyes and onto my rosy cheeks, and I burst into tears…

Curious eyes surrounding me… Whispers “why is she crying, what is wrong with her?” all around… Then a gentle yet clueless voice approaches me saying “please come with me to the private area“.

In my mind, I thought of how embarrassing and inconvenient my pain was to all those happy people who are anxiously waiting to get out there, enjoy this night with someone they love or with family and friends… They all had smiles and haste drawn all over their faces. They had hope for a great night followed by a “new” year steaming from their pores and wet heads! While I just sat there, as a proof to all of them, that maybe this is all fake, and that regardless of how happy you try to make yourself, you might simply lose at the end!

If it is God’s will for me to be in this pain, so be it, I can’t argue with his will or my destiny… Yet it is not God’s will, it is man’s will… For the carelessness and selfishness of man can never be more harsh than this!

An even bigger slap in the face this time. My hair is ready: looking all shiny, tidy and full of life… Unlink my soul which is struggling to smile for all those who made sure to pass by “the private area” and make sure that I am doing better now, before they go off and do whatever it is they planned for this “god forsaken” night.

So I’m on my way out… I get into the car, where I had left an extra change of clothes, cream, perfume and sandals in the back seat.. But I’ve got no where to go, better yet, no where to go that I would want to be!

Flash forward, a few hours later…

It is one a.m. It still feels like an extension of 2009. Nothing has changed!

I unpacked the bag which held hope for a smile…
I unplugged the life system which my wishes were plugged into…
I unsang every song that I was planning to rejoice that night…
I unbuttoned the dress of desire and love…

And from then, until about 5, all I did was stare blankly into the screen of my Mac, stupidly waiting, hoping and wishing some more…

Morning came, and nothing changed…

In my bed, on those same pillows, I cried again… I cried to have lost everything I had: the one man that ever loved me, the one person that I ever loved, the girl I trusted yet brought me all types of pain, the mother I missed yet has no clue of the pain that I’m in…

And now, all I have are my words to gently try to wipe the tears off my no longer rosy cheeks…

I hate where I am because of you… And I hope, one day, you will realize the damage you’ve done…

Goodbye…

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About outlived

X-dreamer, fighter and writer... Using words to unleash the pain that eats me from the inside out, day after day!
This entry was posted in anger, confusion, desire, lies, loss, Love, pain, sing. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to My New Year, in Ruins…

  1. Alastair says:

    A tear came to my eye when I read this blog post.I'm going to give you a positive and say that your writing is lovely and flows really well. I just hope that this new decade brings new happiness for you.I, myself, have had the worst year I've ever had (father dying, wife leaving me, breakdown) and am trying to climb back up the ladder of recovery. Coincidentally, I've found blogging to be a therapeutic answer too.I wish you all the best. Life can be very cruel sometimes.

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