Quivering Incertitude…

All is well and good. Not really, but maybe at this point things are getting a little bit clearer than they were and have been for the past, hmm, 2 years (what seemed to feel like an eternity!) Now I know for sure: nothing will ever be the way I want it to be, or even close and many of those who are around me now need to be replaced as soon as possible!

I am uncertain about everything and nothing at the same time. Caught up in the web of intermingled emotions that are screaming for haven in every single direction!

I am a mess. A subtle mess, mixed with a dash of interlaced hopes and enchanted uncertainties!

What is next? What is right? What is wrong? What is real? What is fake? Where did I lose my way? How will I find it? What is my way anyway?

Hate, love – love, hate… This is how I feel towards everyone and everything around me… With no exclusions or exceptions…

Anger? Nothing but an emotion, which if unexpressed, builds up a volcano waiting, secretively, to explode!

Happiness? Overrated, unattractive, non-existent! Whatever glimpse of happiness-like feelings you might ever feel are short-lived and also surreal, as if made from the silky threads of your demented imagination!

And then, there is the “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” theory… Basically, in simple terms it means that whatever you do, you are blamed for something or the other!

“If you try to be good, you are accused of being a hypocrite; if you are plain, you are mean!
If you say the truth, you are penalized; if you lie most probably you’ll be caught and punished too!
If you try hard, you’re being too easy; if you don’t try hard, you don’t care…”

And so on!

But who can draw the line? I mean really, who can decide what to do, with whom, where, how, why, why not and so on?

How can you pick your battles? How can you know who is really on your side and who will end up screwing you over?

I rest now… unrested… tired… hyper… baffled… worried… concerned… lost… found… here.. there… everywhere…

Missing, craving, wanting, needing, hoping, wishing, waiting… most of all aching… emotionally… nothing more… nothing less…

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About outlived

X-dreamer, fighter and writer... Using words to unleash the pain that eats me from the inside out, day after day!
This entry was posted in confusion, loss, Love, Personal. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Quivering Incertitude…

  1. Mazz says:

    one word.Balance.

  2. Mattheus says:

    Confusing… Added to my confusion for sure.What will more and more confusion lead to? 'Absolute confusion'? The highest level of confusion (each of us has a limit?) that is so incapacitating that it would force oneself to 'just be'?~Matt

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