Sleepless in Amman!

As I sit in front of the keyboard, I feel this urge to write. What? I don’t really know! I just feel that there are so many things I want to say and share with a few people, those who are the closest to me and I feel that something is keeping me from doing that… What? Well, I do have an answer for that question… It may be fear of their reaction; their shame, confusion, misjudgment or just the mere look on their faces that says: “What the hell are you doing?”

I am loaded with hopes, pains and tears yet hopeful to obtain happiness, smiles and tranquility…

I feel like a candle at this moment: beautiful to look at, while the light of me flickers in those observers’ eyes, yet, if I were to be touched, I could burn the hands of those who try, I could burn them down completely…

I feel so isolated from the world I live in… I feel like an outcast… A flower in the midst of a scorching desert… I drop of water in an ocean of rain…. A breeze in a winter’s storm…

It’s really strange, ironic and painfully real how this life tends to build our hopes and burn them down in the blink of an eye… How we really feel happy and joyful at one moment and then, just like that, we are burdened with the fear of the unknown, of what’s to come…

It has been a while since I’ve been at ease with myself, with my own existence… It has been so long since I felt at ease with the world around me… I find no real joy in what’s around me, no matter what I do… And I blame people around me for that and the country that I’m in for this state of confusion, when, really, there is only me to blame…

See there is always this black and white, still the grey remains a significant part of our being… We humans can not always know what the right (white) decision is, or how to evaluate the path we are on… Things are much more complicated to us than colors… Maybe even equations and formulas would not be able to explain our state of being…

Then what? What next? How should we deal with it?
Well, I’ve thought about this a lot… A friend once suggested writing down what I think about in points and evaluating the situations by placing a column for advantages and another for disadvantages… But come on, who can differentiate those? I mean really….

Whether it be friends, family members or simply a loved one… How can you know for sure how to act? How can you do what should be done? All with regard to your well being and content at least…

I’m lost again… I’m lost for words, in words, out of words… I’m lost in truth and in lies, in wrong and right, in black and white that I don’t know where I am or what my true color is….

Here, at this point in my life, where I feel proud of my achievements yet weak and broken down, I know no reality, no peace, no composure… The world can see through me just as they could see through a piece of glass! I’m transparent and openly available for comments and opinions….

Every day I wake up, is “just another day” with suspended dreams to saddle my stride…

I aim to seek my dreams… I aim to seek my goals… I aim for stability once again and for true feelings…

I wish for love… I wish for it to find me, at any place and any time and to free me from doubt and fear…

I wish for a brighter day, a new beginning, a fresh start…

I want to shout, scream, cry and let it all out!

I see my future ahead of me… I run after it but it just seems to be getting away… “Wait for me, I will be there…”

I opt for a quicker end of this misery… For a chance to just “get out and be free”… But then again: Where should I be? What should I do? And would anything else make me a happier person?

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About outlived

X-dreamer, fighter and writer... Using words to unleash the pain that eats me from the inside out, day after day!
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4 Responses to Sleepless in Amman!

  1. doha says:

    hii, just read your post.just u have to beat the routine thought it is controlling as all the time…Look who's talking.lool!!yalla ur welcome to visit my blog

  2. zeezazoo says:

    beebee, all i wanna ask u is not to rush things, u r still young, u have a great life ahead of u… cuz u know what, u worked so hard on building a solid base to ur future, i loved what u achieved through those few years of ur life, u did what a lot of people wish to do, maybe u think that u r very mature compared to guys ur age, but believe me it is not, and if u r convinced, it is not a bad thing, do u know why?? cuz u r really mature with ur thinking and ur hopes, but deep down inside u there's a cute sweet baby, who loves to live, enjoy life, laugh, dance, sing, joke… even more than those guys ur age do… i used to love how much u love life, i wish u could love life again, cuz when u love life and u love living it, u make everybody around u love living their lives too, u make life more beautiful and full of joy… just look around u everytime u smile or cry, u'll see people who share ur feelings, they smile with u, they cry with u, and sometimes they try to smile while u r crying to make things easier for u… that's a bless, u have so many friends and people who care about u, i don't know why u r rushing things and wishing for more, u have a lot, focus on that and u'll live a wonderful life, and stop thinking and worrying and u'll have the life u r dreaming of with time, just wait…and u can believe in ur close friends and tell them whatever comes to ur mind, and don't be afraid of their reactions cuz they won't do anything except for their love to u…u r wishing for a better start… do it, do whatever u feel in doing that would put u in a fresh start, and don't be afraid of anything, u r mature enough now to take the right decisions.. go wild beebee ;)enjoy life… u r only living once… enjoy it to the max yeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaa 😀 don't worry about anything… u will always have friends to count on…

  3. Baby Prophet says:

    Nice, 🙂 i won't try to say anything that i simply cannot be sure about, just to try to make you feel better.. i don't see you as "lost, sunk in confusion", you're in THE high position of self-awareness, show me three in a hundred who really are aware of their present situation. when you know your burdens, you know the beauty of comfort. you balance everything, writing your burdens and living your life. time is a theory, if you learn its parts, you can test it… by that; evolve, live, and learn.. "the old know something, the young know nothing, children know everything".. if you keep your child in everything you do, hold those tender hands of purity, you will smile genuinely.. and your smile is utter truth. 😉

  4. BeeBee says:

    Thank you all for ur beautiful words… I am happy knowing I have people like you in my life… Your words mean so much to me… I appreciate the time you've put in crafting every word… I know you are sincere… I love that about you… I hope there won't ever come a day when I let you down…

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