A New Experience on My Calendar of Maturity!

I feel that I’m inclined to share this recent experience of mine with all those who read my posts on a daily basis or at least every once in a while…

After having been “stuck” in Jordan for the past 3 weeks, something overwhelming happened… and I just realized a new inner power I have which couldn’t have been revealed in any other way than this “misfortunate happening” in Lebanon!

So my experience, in return, made me believe in another theory, that all things do happen for a reason and that the flow of events, even if painful and heart breaking, are never just random; that things do happen for a reason….

Going back to my childhood in Amman… I was what they call a “tom boy”! I had problems dealing with people and with guys in particular… I mean what can you expect from a child who left her country of birth and friends to live in another country where everything is new to her? What do you expect an 8 year old girl to do when she has to change 4 schools in around 9 years?
I had no self confidence what so ever, very shy, very isolated and always on my own or with one female friend who I chose to stick around with… (By the way, I briefly refer to this in my unfinished Novel)

I remember now, with a smile on my face, all those guys that I used to admire, or just simple like, back in those days… I remember clearly how I never “had the guts” to speak to any of them… I mean what would I say? We barely had anything in common! Plus, I was so buried in my shame that I couldn’t even utter a word, or even a look, to any of them! This was so painful to me before, now I look back at it and I smile… with pride, with confidence and with certainty…

I have always wished that the day would come and I would have a chance to fulfill one of my “humble” dreams and be able to walk up to any of those guys and open up any decent subject and just talk… I believe that day has finally come…

I have grown up and I did change, in many ways of course, but most importantly, I have reached a point where I can do whatever I believe in and not care for the consequences, as long as I know it’s right and I am sure it won’t cause pain to those around me…

Today marks a very special day in the calendar of my maturity… As it is the day I finally conquer one of my childhood fears by calling one of those guys and just talking to him…

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think of this guy or any other, as a potential boyfriend… I just feel so glad and happy that I can just talk, you know, about life, work, university and the past 12 years with no shame and no fear…

This experience has been building up for the past 2 weeks… I have been meeting a lot of old classmates and people who were with me in one of the schools I had been to in Amman… I experienced this adrenaline rush while talking to each and every one of them… It was amazing… Indescribable…

The beauty of it is that all the credit goes back to me… I have crossed so many roads, stumbled and fell so many times and I am here… Standing with pure confidence to say: “At last, I did it my way!”

I know, I’m sure actually, that many of those who did not “get bullied” at school and had friends by their side all along would not begin to appreciate this experience of mine… But I’m also sure that those who know me will find this as both stunning and amazing… Cause they always see the “strong” side of me… The girl who is out going, has so many friends, a great social life and is always busy doing this and seeing those…

Thank you… Each and everyone of you who will read this piece of writing that put me at ease…


About outlived

X-dreamer, fighter and writer... Using words to unleash the pain that eats me from the inside out, day after day!
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4 Responses to A New Experience on My Calendar of Maturity!

  1. Anonymous says:

    What about the girls?? Weren't there any girls that you wanted to talk to?Wissam

  2. inmotion says:

    sounds so familiar

  3. zeezazoo says:

    beebee talking to girls?? :):) u r dreaming man…hey beebee, i'm glad u got rid of a bad memory and i'm glad u erased something u didn't like from ur past…way to go beebee…maybe next step is going to be making friends girls for a change after the "mo7akameh" u had when u were young 😀 😀

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