Loss of Senses

IMG_0956Eyes so wet on the inside, lips so dry and alone. She carried the weight of her anger on her shoulders and straight ahead she walked. Unable to look forward and scared of looking back.

She was stuck in a moment and every step she took lead her back to where she had begun. Spiralling in circles yet still not utterly out of control. A heavy yet skinny body struggling to keep up the facade of strength. A heart so overwhelmed and under powered still ticking with no sound or hope.

This was it, she realised, the one mistake that will bring her down to her knees but she could not even find her knees, they seem to have sunk into her flesh and bones yet she is still standing, not tall, but not too short even though she has shrunk from her usual size.

Never in a million years would she have thought she could be here. Her master plan failed and all her contingency plans had disappointed her as well.

Could she have been wrong about her mental abilities? Or is she slipping towards insanity day by day?

But no, she still closes her eyes and walks into walls and still comes out with a few scratches, wounds and scars, licks them clean and dives into the next crap hole.

She stinks of fear and anger. She reeks of pain. No one else smells it but her though the stench is choking her day by day. She smells nothing else, no roses or perfumes, just that horrible stench of dead dreams.

She prays for her poor heart to stop fighting, to surrender and raise the white flag. But her heart still plays an ugly melody of melancholy and chaos. A melody that harms her ears and renders her deaf.

Her wet eyes cannot see, blinded by the reality outside.
Her tired hands have lost their sense of touch.

She has lost control over her senses and only waits on the sidelines of her chaos, blind, deaf and alone. She waits for nothing and no one. Yet still she waits.

Posted in About Me, ache, anger, confusion, darkness, desire, disappointment, dreams, emotions, fears, feelings, frustration, insanity, life, loneliness | Leave a comment

Mind Games!

ImageI need to write. I don’t know what exactly but I need to write and I feel it. I feel my words and thoughts hovering around my head at the speed of light and making it harder for me to focus or even breathe. I just know I have this terrible itch that only writing can scratch.

But what should I write about? That is the main question. I mean given that this is my third trial after the two first ones failed miserably, I really don’t know what to write about. I have a million things I have to say – no, actually – I NEED to say but my mind is a mess and I find myself unable to detangle its knots or decipher its new crazed language that makes no sense to me.

In a way, I blame my mind for everything, and I mean everything! It seems to me that I have failed to tame it, raise it or mold it after all those years. It plays tricks of me, deceives me, manipulates me and disillusions me more often than not. Sometimes I think it is just overly optimistic despite my efforts to teach it all about pessimism and its benefits. At others, I could swear that it got stuck in time at some point and refuses to grow up to match my age, experiences and disappointments.

For a long time, I thought I had lost it! I thought that insanity had taken over me and that my mind was swallowed up by insanity’s games and tricks. But I do realize now that it is still there, probably incapable of doing what I need it to do: THINK STRAIGHT.

I often find myself trying to deliberately incapacitate my mind but it seems that it has a severely high tolerance to any and every means I try to subdue it with!

The mind: a powerful and destructive tool indeed, especially when it is out of your control and has a super confused mind of its own! What a mess!

Enough with the words and scribbles for one day.

Catch you all soon.

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Love in the Wind…

Our demons were meant to play together, but instead they fought,
Instead of bringing us light, love and peace, darkness they brought.

Our pasts were meant to erase each other, but instead they combined,
They gave way to evil inside us, and rendered our souls damn blind.

Our fears were supposed to dull out one another, but instead they multiplied,
Leaving us no corner to run away to and no place from them to hide.
Our love was meant to grow and endure, but instead it faltered and fell,
Sending our promises to never never land and our shared dreams to hell!

Our flaws should have made us complete, but instead they broke us apart,
Left us both with a wounded pride and a fragile broken heart…

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The Sky Cries, Yet Again…

Stupidly, she thought the tears would seize,
She thought: Finally my soul will be at ease.

Yet as the pain strikes her heart & being,
Her eyes tear up deforming her sense of seeing.

And as the wet tree sways to the music she plays,
She feels broken and she craves it be just a phase.

But her heart is of flesh and his is of wax,
Her emotions run wild while those he lacks.

And as the quiet pierces through her lonely sigh,
She is taken to a place where, solace just passes by.

The sky cries, yet again, and its tears keep rolling down,
But the pain, disappointment and anger resist to let go & drown…

Posted in About Me, anger, disappointment, pain | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Winter Time is the Loneliest…

It’s cold yet hardly wet, and I can’t seem to get myself out of bed,
Gloomy thoughts are hovering around my head,
I try not to look back and look ahead instead,
Yet I feel unheard, unnoticed & utterly unread!

Some see Winter time as a bliss; a time for earth to quench its thirst,
But to me, Winter time has always been the worst!
I feel my chest blowing up into a silent burst,
As I dive into my realizations headfirst!

Like a perennial, Winter doesn’t seem to suit my preferences or needs,
I’m exiled to a place where hope no longer breeds,
As I cry over my frozen and useless seeds,
And follow endless clues with no leads!

Winter time is the loneliest, and it keeps my mind busy with hesitations,
It resurrects my burdens and frustrations,
Bringing about all those blue sensations,
While hindering down all my foundations…

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At a Crossroad…

Fine and dandy” do not meet, George Carlin called it,
Now I’m feeling fine plenty but dandy not a even a bit!

As I stand there at a crossroad, the hardest one I’ve ever yet seen,
Trying to balance between the tough “act” and the inner me who’s lean!

I weigh out all the options, play the various scenarios in my mind,
I look for all the questions certain that, to answers, I am now blind!

I dot the i’s and cross the damn t’s!
I punctuate the future however can please!

Still no peace so my heart aches and screams in fear,
The future is on it’s way, God help me, it’s so near!

The “lost” past played a big number on me; I can see it clearly,
I doubt my own decisions & the intentions of those I hold dearly!

Yet I still count my blessings every morning and each night,
And I pray for an even stronger will, in me, to hold on & fight!

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Abstract Photography

This gallery contains 5 photos.

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My Heart… is a Balloon!

I can’t seem to find my words; it looks like they have run away from me,
I squint, peer and then blink again: Where are they? I still can’t see,
Oh how tight the chest feels when no words are there to set it free!

My heart is a balloon, a red big inflated balloon,
Trapped in this cold and hollow cocoon.
One more poke and I swear it will go boom!

My soul is tree, a young aging autumn tree,
I ignore it and try to just let it be,
Yet it keeps taunting me, haunting me!

My burdens are heavy, I can’t lift them aside,
I can’t leave them behind and hide,
Powerless again as they choose to collide!

Misunderstood, misread and misconceived…
Wrongly accused and unfairly perceived…

Always and yet never the same:

The story of my wounded heart.

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Skimpy Supplies of Optimism

Photo By: Outlived

Photo By: Outlived

“What is important is not what happens to us, but how we respond to what happens to us.” Jean-Paul Sartre

I have come to acknowledge the fact that life is more complicated than we’d like to believe it is. To take this realization to the next level, I even created my own little theory about that.

You see, although human beings tend to run on a certain supply of optimism or pessimism, that supply remains to be never solely determined by its beholder and here is where the situation becomes tricky!

We always try to rationalize the negatives which happens around us, or to us, in order to try and sustain the levels of optimism that we have. Just like a car running on fuel, our optimism is refueled at certain moments throughout the day, the week, the month or the year and from there on, conserving that level is our duty, whether we are responsible for its possible depletion or not.

As an ex-pessimist to the bone, I can totally understand how pessimists justify their pessimism, especially when relating it to my theory. In their own minds, waiting for the optimism refueling process to occur could be unnerving, even more so devastating, they rather not wait for it to begin with. Moreover, and due to the abundant levels of pessimism and negative occurrences, it seems more rational to them to choose to shy away from optimism and embrace its opposite.

One might wonder why I am trying to dissect this topic and the wondering may become more intense if one realized how early in the morning it is now. Well one, wonder no more! I have recently switched sides going from a semi professional pessimist to a part time happy jolly optimist and now all I do is look for sources of optimism to refuel from! With that said, you can probably tell how hard the transformation was and yet how easy it could be to relapse back to the original state.

What seems to be the most interesting part for me when I sit and ponder about all of this is the fact that optimism tends to be a great magnet for negatives; so the harder you try to be on the positive side, the more negatives you will attract. Furthermore, the events surrounding an optimist are more liable to a wider variety of interpretations, making it harder to “see” the truth behind them consequently causing a tired mind and an exhausted emotional state.

I rest my case!

Posted in life, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Blinded by Utter Darkness

Photo By: Outlived

Photo By: Outlived

Never thought that darkness could be blinding,
Or that its chains could be so damn binding!

Never imagined I could feel this way once more,
Another shattered window & one more broken door.

I try to convince myself that I’m asleep,
Submerged in a nightmare ever so deep.

I tell myself that I am majorly inebriated,
My hallucinations are flowing unabated!

But it is all real and I feel its tow,
Hands tied while I watch my pain grow.

Tears as cheap as sand,
An empty shivering hand,
And another smile deprived day…

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